My Pee-wee Herman Documentary Practically Broke Me

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Once I strategy somebody to make a documentary about them, I write a love letter. Within the 20 years I’ve been making movies, I’ve written numerous ones — to Siegfried & Roy, to soap-opera stars and reclusive musicians. Generally I’m interesting to their self-importance, typically their sense that they’ve been wronged. All the time, I finish my letters with the identical sentence: “Belief shouldn’t be anticipated. It must be earned.”

For years, my dream documentary topic was Paul Reubens. His groundbreaking tv sequence, Pee-wee’s Playhouse, outlined a whole technology of idiosyncratic youngsters like myself. All through my childhood, a Pee-wee pull-string doll dangled above my mattress, and I’d stare at it each evening earlier than falling asleep.

5 years in the past, I began reaching out to Reubens by numerous interlocutors. In my love letter, I pitched a intellectual portrait of an artist. Pee-wee was a cult icon, however few folks knew something about his creator aside from what they’d learn within the tabloids. My understanding was that Reubens most well-liked his privateness, and like most of my documentary topics, he was an unconventional visionary ripe for reappraisal.

Paul, as I got here to know him, ultimately sat down with me for 40 hours of on-camera interviews. We reminisced about his childhood in Florida, his early years as a efficiency artist, his meteoric rise to stardom. He additionally opened up for the primary time about his sexuality and the connection he gave up for his profession. The movie I made, Pee-wee As Himself, was 4 years within the making, and it nearly broke me. Paul by no means totally ceded management. He refused to finish a last interview in regards to the arrests that destroyed his status and held up our manufacturing for lengthy stretches of time. For some time, he stopped speaking to me, and I feared the undertaking would by no means be accomplished. It could be Paul’s final non-public act, nevertheless, that allowed me to complete telling his story. On July 31, 2023, every week earlier than our final interview was scheduled to happen, I discovered together with the remainder of the world that he had died of most cancers. I used to be blindsided. My childhood hero, the individual I had spent a whole bunch of hours attending to know, laughing and preventing with, had been dying, and I by no means had a clue.

Paul had contemplated making a documentary about his life for years, however mentioned he didn’t like several of the administrators he met with as a result of they have been reluctant to permit his enter. The Safdie brothers, outdated buddies of mine, who have been rumored to be in talks with him to work on a brand new Pee-wee Herman movie, requested him to speak to me as an alternative.

It was the height of lockdown once we met over Skype. When Reubens logged on, I had a clumsy second of starstruck silence. He had a candy, almond-shaped face, and in the event you squinted, you possibly can see a semblance of Pee-wee. However the man I used to be gazing was nothing like his alter ego. He was Paul. He sat on a cool orange sofa in entrance of a modernist flagstone fire and an expansive Los Angeles view. I complimented him on his dwelling —  presumably the real-life inspiration for the playhouse from his youngsters’s present — however he smirked and confessed, “It’s a photograph from the web.” Paul didn’t need me to see the place he really lived. I had been warned he could be tough. There had been a sequence {of professional} fallings out, I used to be advised. I might at all times say to skeptical colleagues, “I’m good with difficult folks.”

Plus we have been each homosexual. We have been 30 years aside, and he was a star, however no less than we had that in frequent. Besides Paul by no means loved the freedoms I did as a younger homosexual filmmaker. He had been as out as one could possibly be throughout artwork college and determined to return within the closet to pursue mainstream success. For many of his grownup life, Pee-wee and Paul have been two strictly separate components of himself. I understood that alternative as a survival technique for homosexual males of his technology, however for Paul it was a supply of disgrace and insecurity. He was strongly towards his story being interpreted by a queer lens. “I don’t wish to be depicted as a homosexual icon,” he mentioned, “however I do wish to come out within the documentary.” I by no means thought-about Paul to be closeted, however he had by no means mentioned his sexuality publicly, and it was solely later that I spotted he had most likely mentioned the phrases “I’m homosexual” out loud simply to a small variety of buddies. Persuading him to say so on-camera, I discovered, can be a serious problem.

We spoke recurrently for months   —   typically simply hanging out, different instances speaking by the documentary course of, and to what extent Paul would possibly be capable of affect the story. The dynamic between a documentarian and a topic is hard. The relationships are extra collaborative than folks would possibly anticipate as a result of we documentary filmmakers don’t simply want entry. We invade the lives of personal folks with gear and a crew, and we take their private photographs to scan and digitize. We ask topics to signal launch kinds that grant us permission to make use of their life because the uncooked materials for our work. Paul and I have been bonding, however we have been additionally understanding methods to get what we wanted from one another.

He would FaceTime me typically, and I might at all times choose up. No dialog lasted for simply quarter-hour. We’d speak for no less than two hours every time. I started to informally interview Paul about his life. He shared movies of early performances and tv appearances and the locations the place obscure recordings would possibly exist if he hadn’t preserved them himself. We went by a listing of near 100 potential interview topics  —  from his elementary-school crush to fellow celebrities. We have been in what could possibly be known as a “honeymoon part.” One evening, stoned and mendacity on the sofa, I answered Paul’s name. Previously a prolific pothead himself, Paul knew methods to make me giggle to the purpose of tears, and that evening he was in uncommon type. My boyfriend of 20 years, Carl, has seen the complete arc of those unusual relationships that straddle the skilled and the private, and he warned me after I hung up the telephone: “Be careful. You guys have completely no boundaries, and that might come again to chew you.”

In July 2021, I relocated to Los Angeles to start manufacturing. Paul had invited me in to see his non-public world. He lived in a mid-century home packed to the brim with archives and collectibles. We’d sit for conferences at his kitchen desk below the Sputnik chandelier that figured prominently on the set of Pee-wee’s Playhouse. Every night at sundown, he meditatively unfold dried corn and seeds round his driveway to draw wildlife. We’d sit on a bench by his entrance door, quietly watching dozens of deer emerge from the encompassing hills. I felt we had turn out to be buddies. He gave everybody in his inside circle carte blanche to talk with me, and I scheduled a dozen or so on-camera interviews. He requested me, although, to let him overview the footage, which I’m not accustomed to doing. I indulged him as a result of I had promised he can be concerned within the course of. That’s once we began butting heads. Paul hated how the primary two interviews regarded and got here near demanding reshoots. Then, with out my information, he requested the manufacturing designer for photographs of the interview frames on set.

As a director, I’m used to getting my approach, and so was Paul. He requested our producer, Emma Tillinger Koskoff, to mediate a dialog about modifying. As a situation to his participation within the undertaking, we had agreed that Paul would have “significant session” throughout the making of the movie however that I might have last reduce. The extra we talked, the clearer it grew to become to him that for all his early enter, documentaries are actually made in postproduction, the place he would have much less of a say. Paul introduced up the problem when the three of us have been driving to the storage items the place he stored a long time’ price of props and artifacts. Selecting my phrases rigorously, I defined I deliberate to indicate him early cuts of the movie to contemplate his suggestions however it could be months earlier than I might share something. The dialog rapidly escalated, and Paul raised his voice. He demanded the correct to go to the edit room, and I used to be adamant that I wanted to keep up my editorial independence. I by no means would have agreed to do the movie if I knew that Paul can be respiration down my neck. He snapped again and mentioned, “That’s precisely what you signed up for.” We arrived on the car parking zone, and Emma left to allow us to have it out.

We bought out and walked for a minute in silence earlier than he mentioned, “You and I’ve much more in frequent than you suppose. We’re petrified of the identical factor.” He was afraid of shedding management of his personal story once more, and I used to be afraid of shedding management of my movie.

For 3 months, I filmed with Paul’s buddies. In the meantime, Paul refused to set a date for his personal on-camera interview. I attempted to disregard my rising nervousness that he would possibly by no means be keen to inform his story in his personal phrases. Then, on my final day of taking pictures, Paul was able to get began  —  so long as we didn’t shoot at his dwelling. By that time, I didn’t care. I simply wanted to maintain issues shifting and movie the interview. I requested for 2 days to arrange, and we staged a rented mid-century dwelling. We determined the very best methodology for filming can be by an Interrotron, the gadget invented by the documentary filmmaker Errol Morris to undertaking the interviewer’s face over the digital camera lens. This manner Paul can be trying straight on the viewer all through the documentary. I requested my cinematographer, David Jacobson, to place curtains across the digital camera so the one factor Paul would see within the interview chair was a picture of my face. It was primarily a elaborate model of our FaceTimes.

The afternoon earlier than Paul’s first day of interviews, I bought a frantic name. He was anxious that the backdrop and lighting wouldn’t really feel proper, and he wished to spend one other day perfecting it. I advised Paul that we might reschedule if he wished to, however after a protracted, purposeful pause, I mentioned, “I’m going to deal with you.”

The following day, Paul was within the interview chair. He would spend an hour describing his first visible impressions as an toddler or the colours and patterns of the wallpaper in his childhood bed room. However once I tried to push the dialog ahead, he squirmed, or made enjoyable of me, or requested for a break. Each time I’d attempt a brand new query, he’d retort with a sarcastic comment or a wacky facial features. Generally he’d reply a query after which digress right into a 30-minute monologue about an elementary-school prank. I used to be rising involved however stored a straight face.

Even with ten days scheduled, I wasn’t positive I might get Paul to let his guard down. He was on full show  —  slippery, rebellious, outrageous, and, in moments of reflection, deeply considerate and honest, however he was nonetheless holding again. “I’m going to maintain just a few secrets and techniques, and even when I don’t, I imply, I’ll by nature,” he mentioned at one level. “I’m the one person who is aware of all the things about me, I believe. There’s completely secrets and techniques that all of us wish to hold that make us engaging, that make us mysterious.” Now I notice that Paul wasn’t simply battling me. He was wrestling with himself about how a lot to really share on-camera.

On the fourth day, after 14 hours of interviews, Paul began speaking about his faculty experiments with drag. He knew I used to be going to ask him subsequent about his sexuality. He was fidgeting in his seat, jokingly asking for lollipops. Ultimately, he pulled me apart and mentioned, “I don’t know the way to do that.” I mentioned, “You simply say, ‘I’m homosexual.’” We laughed. “Okay, in the event you say so,” he mentioned. Paul sat again within the chair, and I continued to ask him pointed questions, which he dodged whereas talking broadly in regards to the phrase sexuality. Lastly, I interrupted and requested, “Paul, are you homosexual?”

“That is one thing I’ve by no means spoken about ever,” he mentioned. “I’ve spoken about it to a psychologist and a therapist. I’ve talked about it to very, very, very, very shut buddies … At Cal Arts, no person didn’t know my sexuality, which was  —  did I say it? Did it come out? Homosexual.”

Abruptly, his physique relaxed. For the following hour, he advised me the story of his faculty boyfriend, his first real love, an artist named Man, the devastation that adopted when the connection fell aside. “I used to be as out as you may be,” he mentioned. “After which I went again into the closet.” They stayed in contact over time till Man was sick with AIDS. Their final assembly passed off hours earlier than Man died.

That evening after we wrapped, Paul FaceTimed me. I feared he was calling to take all of it again, to inform me that he wouldn’t let me use the fabric we had captured that day. As an alternative, he advised me he was relieved.

Regardless of our breakthrough, Paul was nonetheless evasive. Over ten days of filming, he had hardly mentioned the arrests. Extra troubling, he was holding out on signing his launch, and with out that, we didn’t have the rights to make use of his interview or archival footage or to even inform his story. Emma threatened to close down the manufacturing, and I stayed up at evening terrified that we would not get the essential last interview. Weeks glided by after which months with Paul and the producers at odds, and the undertaking was at a standstill. Each time my telephone rang, my coronary heart began pounding. Both Paul was calling me with grievances or Emma was updating me with dangerous information.

I used to be again in New York furiously working with my editor, Damian Rodriguez, to assemble the 40 hours of interviews I filmed with Paul, and the 1,000 hours of archival footage our archivist, Brittan Dunham, had already digitized. The manufacturing was shedding cash, however I believed if I made it to a tough reduce, I might persuade Paul to proceed. He wanted to know what can be misplaced if the movie imploded.

My communication with Paul had turn out to be tense and rare, and in one in all our final conversations, he advised me that I used to be the one one that might save the manufacturing. He warned that if I didn’t, I might remorse it for the remainder of my life. I pushed again: “Paul, you might be at conflict with the producers, not me, and solely you can also make the selection to proceed with the movie.”

5 months glided by. Paul and I had stopped talking. After we needed to lay off the postproduction workers, I used to be devastated. My relationship with Carl was strained, my well being suffered, and I didn’t know who would rent me after failing to complete the largest movie of my profession. Then, on my birthday, I bought a textual content from Paul with a Betty Boop animated GIF. “Pleased fortieth,” it mentioned. He was a giant believer in birthdays, and this gesture implied we would nonetheless be in good standing. Early the following morning, I woke to a different textual content from Paul, asking to talk. He wished to see if there could possibly be an answer to proceed making the movie.

The dedication I as soon as felt practically two years in the past to win Paul’s belief had pale. I used to be skeptical and damage, and I used to be making an attempt to maneuver on with my life and to start out new initiatives. However I known as him as a result of I used to be scheduled to be in L.A. to shoot a contract job that week. “I’d like to indicate you the primary 45 minutes of the movie,” I mentioned. Two days later, we have been in a screening room.

Paul arrived together with his assistant, Allison Berry, who had labored with him for practically 40 years. I used to be relieved that she joined as a result of Allison was forthright along with her opinions, and I suspected she had been advocating for Paul to complete the movie. Earlier than issues went off the rails, I bear in mind confiding to Allison about my struggles with Paul. “I believe he trusts me,” I mentioned tentatively. “Or perhaps he doesn’t, and that’s okay,” she mentioned.

I sat behind Paul and Allison because the tough reduce performed. Often Paul laughed, however he requested to pause each ten minutes for a loo break. Every break grew longer, and I assumed Paul was taking time to soak up the expertise of watching his life play out onscreen. Paul noticed the scene depicting his relationship with Man, illustrated with vivid, romantic Tremendous 8 movie, which Paul shot within the late Nineteen Seventies.

On the finish of the screening, he smiled. For the previous two years, once I introduced him with an concept, the very best response I might get was, “I don’t disagree with that.” I’d say, “So does that imply you agree with it?” He’d make clear, “That’s a distinct class.” Paul mentioned that within the lavatory, he was brainstorming what he ought to say to me in regards to the movie. “I stay up for serving to you make it even higher” was the response he got here up with.

I left L.A. impressed by our assembly and optimistic for the primary time in a yr. Nonetheless, the trail to finishing Paul’s contract, securing the rest of his archival materials, and sitting down for that last interview was removed from sure. Issues bought higher after which they didn’t.

Every time I expressed hope for a decision, we’d fall backward towards the identical battle over editorial management. When Paul was stalling, I assumed he was afraid to debate the arrests. I additionally questioned if he had at all times supposed to take over the movie throughout postproduction. Nevertheless it was futile to determine his pondering. The undertaking appeared all however lifeless.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, we bought phrase that Paul was prepared to maneuver ahead. His workforce requested if we might movie his interview in two weeks. I used to be shocked that Paul was prepared and that he had signed his launch. Earlier than the shoot, he known as me. His voice sounded surprisingly weak, and he requested me to take a seat down. I might inform one thing was flawed.

“I won’t be capable of keep as concerned as I hoped,” he mentioned. “However I do know that you just’ll make the movie we mentioned.” He continued, “I’m sorry that I used to be so emotional these previous few years,” and I responded, “I’m sorry if I did issues that upset you.” He mentioned gently, “You didn’t do something flawed.” Then after a protracted pause, “I belief you.” I used to be surprised. The one factor I might say again was, “I’ll do proper by you.”

Once I hung up the telephone, I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know what had simply occurred, however it was heavy. The following week, once I was taking pictures one other freelance job earlier than heading to L.A. to movie the interview with Paul, I bought a textual content from an government at HBO. “Is that this actual?” she wrote, together with a screenshot from Pee-wee Herman’s Instagram account. It mentioned, “Final evening we mentioned farewell to Paul Reubens, an iconic American actor, comic, author, and producer … Paul bravely and privately fought most cancers for years.”

I felt my legs buckling. In a matter of seconds, my telephone exploded with an onslaught of texts. Emma known as me, her voice quavering, whereas extra calls rolled in. Then I heard from Paul’s shut pal and publicist, Kelly Bush Novak.

Kelly mentioned she had tried to name me earlier than the information broke, however she couldn’t attain me in time. “Paul recorded one thing for you the evening earlier than he died,” she mentioned. A number of days later, I used to be in her workplace listening to Paul’s deathbed audio. It was devastating. However there was no time to grieve. The undertaking I believed would by no means see the sunshine of day now had an ending. That evening and the yr that adopted, I went into filmmaking mode. Within the edit room, I’d typically cringe watching our exchanges. At one level, I advised Paul, “I don’t suppose we’d be right here in the event you didn’t have a tiny little bit of belief in me.” He shot again, “You’ve made one documentary I appreciated, out of what number of  —  six?” Different components have been revealing in methods I hadn’t fairly understood within the second. I attempted to recall any indication he may need been sick. The one factor that got here to thoughts was one thing he mentioned off-handedly: “The important thing to maintaining a secret is to inform no person.”

The movie I made about Paul premiered at Sundance in January. I used to be nonetheless offended for the way in which he handled me but additionally regretful that he wasn’t there. In the long run, there was a restrict to how a lot Paul would let me in. It has taken me some time to know why. Paul spent his maturity hiding behind an alter ego, and he took a leap of religion to share his inside life with me. He had made unimaginable artwork about self-acceptance however couldn’t discover it for himself. The tragedy, I believe, is that he was on his approach.

The opposite day, I used to be writing a letter to a brand new topic. I used to be about to repeat and paste my typical line — “Belief shouldn’t be anticipated. It needs to be earned” — once I had a flashback to one thing Paul as soon as mentioned to me. It was at a second when issues have been peaceable between us, and I used to be explaining how I imagined telling his story. “I’m realizing that you just’re kind of making a love letter within the type of a movie for me,” he mentioned. “I don’t disagree with that,” I replied. Now that Paul is gone, I acknowledge he was proper. Via my movie, I used to be in a position to categorical that I beloved him.

Pee-wee As Himself is streaming on Max.